Guide: How to Survive the Florida Heat

Is the sweat dripping down your leg as you read this? Are you nervous to peel yourself off of your chair? Yeah, don’t worry, it’s summer. These are just some of the struggles we have to deal with if we want to munch on watermelon and get a tan. But, there has to be some way to survive the season without sitting in front of a fan for three months…right? Don’t worry, we have you covered with some essentials for surviving the summer heat.

Deep freezer

Pop that lid open and sit right in it. Let your body slowly freeze. Just don’t close the lid or you may die. Lid open = bliss, lid closed = sadness. Just remember that and you’ll be doing nothing but smiling and possibly developing hypothermia, worth it? Probably

Gulp down that sweet tea

Okay, we Floridians already are obsessed with sweet tea, but with the sweat dripping down your face, it’s time to amp it up. Get yourself to the store and start bulking up by the gallon. Drink it when you wake up, drink it after you brush your teeth, drink it when you’re on your first date.

Hang out at a Publix

You remember all the thirteen-year-olds that hang out at Publix, they weren’t stupid, they were cooling down. Why not join them? Just sit right by the AC while munching on one of their classic subs and you’re good to go. They close at 10.

 

A/C

Blast some music on your car radio and crank the AC up nice and high. That way, you’ll be able to cool down and no one will be able to hear you scream in agony. And when your voice died down, the tears have dried, your car will be perfect room temperature. Success!

Freeze your garments

If you can’t sleep at night, take your bedding and throw it into the freezer. By the time it’s time for you to hit the sack, your sheets will be ice cold and your sleep will be even better. Say goodbye to waking up in sweat and wishing you were living in a dark hole!

Ice Pops

Go to Wal-Mart, buy approximately 500 ice pops (you know, the long skinny ones), put them in the freezer, wait, take one out of the freezer, then enjoy it. And then eat another one. And another one. And when you’re high on sugar and eat all 500 of them, start the process all over again. Though, time will go by slowly while you wait, lemme tell ya.

Never go outside

This is possibly the easiest option. You could choose to not leave your house forever. Sure, you may lose some friends, but then they weren’t your real friends anyways. Make friends with the take-out delivery guy, he seems nice. That way, you will never have to sweat again.